Highs & Lows

More than four months have passed since my last blog. Four months...so much has happened that I am not sure where to begin filling in the huge blank space. Rather than trying, and inevitably failing, to describe everything, I will instead try to condense four months into a game called "Highs & Lows".

The name itself is pretty self-explanatory, but just in case you have never heard of it, you play by choosing the one highest and one lowest point of your day and sharing them. It is not exactly a game of skill...or really necessarily a game at all...it is usually done at summer camps, or with a family around the dinner table, or facilitated by a teacher at the end of the school day. While it may seem a bit elementary, I cannot think of a better way to describe the roller coaster of experiences of the past four months.

Because I still claim to be an optimist, I will start with a high point. At the end of February, I finished my three-month étude and headed off for our month long In-Service Training (IST) armed with project ideas and high expectations for what the next several months had in store for me. I hoped that IST would provide me with insights into how to start a successful project in a small village...However, my high point was immediately followed by a low point when I discovered that IST was, pardon me for being blunt, completely useless. One full week was dedicated to theater training...one week, eight hours a day, dancing around a room and learning how to make different facial expressions. Seeing as how my village neither has nor is interested in starting a theater group, I failed to see how this was relevant to my work. I sought extra guidance from my program director, showing her a specific project that I was interested in starting, and her only advice to me was "Don't bite off more than you can chew..." It seems as though she has no interest in supporting me in anything other than Acting 101.

This low point was, unfortunately, followed by another low point of returning to village. Having finished the only task assigned to me, the étude, I came to the sudden harsh realization that I had: absolutely. nothing. to. do. In a village of my size, there is the big problem of having very few French speakers...meaning a very limited number of people to collaborate on projects with. I continually approach the same few people I am able to communicate with and ask if they would be interested in starting one of the many projects we discussed during the étude period...and I am continually met with shrugs of disinterest. I figured that once I pinpointed the problems to work on with the villagers, they would be eager to start to work on them, but I was sorely mistaken. After my counterpart at the CSPS left Saoga, citing the reason that "Saoga n'est pas interessante..." the already small number of French speakers shrank to literally only a handful. Left with only frustration and, most of all, boredom, I decided to seek out a new high to pull me out of this slump.

My new high point came about through travel. I went on several small trips, starting in the Western region of Burkina to visit volunteers in other villages. I was pleasantly surprised to find that I really liked their villages. Although I tend to lose sight of this in the face of frustrations with my own village, I really do enjoy the simplicity of life here, and especially the warmth and friendliness of the people.

Immediately following this high point, I took a trip to Ghana with six of my closest friends here. I was absolutely shocked at how developed it is. Crossing the border was like entering a different world, a world of education, cleanliness, running water, and electricity. I had heard the comparison that Burkina is to Ghana what Ghana is to America, but I did not believe it until I actually saw it...although Ghana is still in Africa, it is drastically different from Burkina. After spending ten days in a big city and beach induced high, I should have anticipated that the next low would be loooow. And it was...

I returned again to find Saoga unchanged and seemingly unreceptive to the idea of change. I assumed my former role as observer at the CSPS, trying to educate or help out where I could, and wondering if the work that I anticipated doing would ever be possible. The unwelcome realization that I am not making any sort of difference in Saoga finally hit me. Baby weighing and vaccination sorties are interesting and all, but they are things that occur with or without me there.

As if this rude awakening was not enough of a low, I received news that sunk me to an even lower low point. Two of my closest friends were going home. Other volunteers provide the only support network we have here, so losing two friends (on the same flight, no less) was a huge blow to morale.

Faced with this new low and knowing that a high point was unlikely to be found in village, I decided to go back to Ghana. The trip was absolutely amazing and was just what I needed to bring me out of the funk of the last low. However, when I left Ghana, I had to say an extremely difficult goodbye that brought me right back to where I was at the beginning of the trip.

Back in Burkina, less than thrilled with the idea of returning to village, I decided to re-evaluate what I was doing and try to figure out how to make these "lows" that I experience in village less low...or better yet, turn them into "highs". The reason I came here in the first place was to, as trite as it sounds, make a difference (or as some might say, to "save my village..."). I remember feeling several high points during staging from working on successful projects, and the rewarding feeling that came from giving a sensibilization to a receptive and participatory audience. It was the wonderful feeling that came from actually feeling useful and being able to do something. I wondered if it would ever be possible for me in Saoga...

In a last ditch effort to figure out what to do, I traveled to another health volunteer's village to get an idea of how her CSPS functioned and what she did there. I was blown away by the differences. There were motivated people working at the CSPS, four nurses in training who were also ready and willing to work, and many villageois who spoke French. I left her village for Ouagadougou to speak with my program director, on a new high, that perhaps I could still do something here after all.

I felt, after seeing villages in other parts of the country, that I could be much more useful, much more productive, and much happier in a different environment. While I struggled to make Saoga both a home and a working environment, it just was not right for me. For these, and many other reasons, I requested a site change. My program director said that I presented a fair case, and after reading the letter explaining my reasons, she said that she was definitely "inclined" to give me a site change..."Howeeeever"...with a new group on its way in, another program director out on maternity leave, and two other site changes in the works, she just could not do it.

It was an all new low for me.

The realization that I am stuck in a village that I do not feel I can do anything in is the lowest point I have experienced in the past four months. All I could think leaving her office was, "Now what?" After a great deal of reflecting and questioning and just plain thinking, I think I have found the answer to this question...but I am not ready to divulge it just yet.

My current plan for this question of "now what?" is to simply take things one day at a time. So far, the plan has been a success. I have had a great time in the past few weeks; traveling, visiting other volunteers' villages, spending time in my own village and preparing for the summer school coming up in August. The pressure and stress I felt from being in village has lifted and I am able enjoy simple moments, laughing with other volunteers, looking out the window on transport, sleeping under the stars, or drinking tea and having "causeries" with villagers.

Living happily in high moments makes it easy to forget about the lows.